Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
