Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
