is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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