she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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