I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
