He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
