im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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