If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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