Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
