Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
