I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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