All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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