I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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