There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
