I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
