I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
