Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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