You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize