not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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