My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
