I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
