I will die if light touches me.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
