I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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