Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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