I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
