Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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