Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
