I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
