Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
