I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
