Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
