She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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