I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
