The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
