Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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