HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
