From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
