i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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