if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
