I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
