Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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