never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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