Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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