So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
