I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
