I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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