The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Enjoy the penises
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
