The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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