I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
