literally had 100 drinks last night.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
