Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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