He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
