He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
