When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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