According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Semen is not good for contacts.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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