Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
