If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
