The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
