barbara walters just said penis...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
