A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
