I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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