I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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