babies were throwing up all over the place
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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