I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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